Q: I understand that on Yom
Kippur we are forgiven from ALL our sins.
Is this true?
A:In the Mishna we find, “For
transgressions between a person and God, Yom Kippur brings atonement; but for
transgressions between people, Yom Kippur only grants atonement when there has
been forgiveness between the aggrieved.” (Yoma 8:9) People are generally familiar with the first
point, less so with the second.
There is an entire section in
the Shulchan Aruch (the Code of Jewish Law) devoted to what people must do to
appease one another when there has been a hurt (O.H. 606). Until the victim has been asked for their
forgiveness -- and they have granted it—the
sin remains. A wrong that has not been
resolved or redressed remains a wrong.
The Shulchan Aruch also
indicates that a person should be predisposed to accept an apology and not
cruelly refuse to forgive.
If the sin involves fraud or theft the guilty person must make the victim whole. What if the theft cannot be repaid but the victim wishes to repair the relationship? Someone who has a financial claim on another person should waive what is owed
to him or her or there cannot be remission from sin. In some instances they
might say, “I forgive you but I am not erasing the debt that you owe.”
One final note: Even forgiveness must be done with
kindness. One can run over someone with
our contrition by telling them all the ruthless, terrible things we said about them or specifying the slander we heard all year long. That is not nice.
Rabbi Israel Salanter said that
it is not right to hurt another human being while seeking atonement for
oneself. “Your steps to piety should
never be on someone else’s shoulders.”