Sin and Forgiveness

Q: I understand that on Yom Kippur we are forgiven from ALL our sins.  Is this true?

A:In the Mishna we find, “For transgressions between a person and God, Yom Kippur brings atonement; but for transgressions between people, Yom Kippur only grants atonement when there has been forgiveness between the aggrieved.” (Yoma 8:9)  People are generally familiar with the first point, less so with the second.

There is an entire section in the Shulchan Aruch (the Code of Jewish Law) devoted to what people must do to appease one another when there has been a hurt (O.H. 606).  Until the victim has been asked for their forgiveness  -- and they have granted it—the sin remains.  A wrong that has not been resolved or redressed remains a wrong.

The Shulchan Aruch also indicates that a person should be predisposed to accept an apology and not cruelly refuse to forgive.

If the sin involves fraud or theft the guilty person must make the victim whole.  What if the theft cannot be repaid but the victim wishes to repair the relationship?  Someone who has a financial claim on another person should waive what is owed to him or her or there cannot be remission from sin.  In some instances they might say, “I forgive you but I am not erasing the debt that you owe.”

One final note:  Even forgiveness must be done with kindness.  One can run over someone with our contrition by telling them all the ruthless, terrible things we said about them or specifying the slander we heard all year long.  That is not nice.

Rabbi Israel Salanter said that it is not right to hurt another human being while seeking atonement for oneself.  “Your steps to piety should never be on someone else’s shoulders.”